KingFish Tales

The Fine Art Of Smack

SMACK
As defined by Webster's, smack; a quick sharp noise made by rapidly compressing and opening the lips; to hit, slap, strike squarely.

Yeah right? Actually Webster's is only partially correct.

SMACK
As defined by Fantasy Sports Enthusiasts Unabashed Dictionary, smack; to verbally spar with a person or group of people.

Now we’re talking. Diss this Bro!

Smack is an art form used by many a silver tongued devil. It can be fun and amusing or it can be irritating and destructive. Like most things taken to the extreme Smack, is not a good thing. It can quickly escalate and become an out of control wild fire. There is always at least a minimum of two participants when some Smack is being run, the “Smacker” and the “Smackee”. The Smacker is always the windshield and the Smackee is always the bug. Some have perfected their “Art of Smack” to a Zen like state of total domination. These true “Smack Masters” always stay in control of their emotions and they play ever so artfully on the emotional weaknesses of the Smackee. It is a far better thing to Smack than to be Smacked!

Foul language on it’s own is definitely not Smack although much of the terminology used while in the act of running some Smack very often is ‘R’ rated at best. Using the old “Potty Mouth” technique is only for someone frustrated with the direction of the conversation and not knowing how to verbally spar in their own defense. Stay within the rules and don't cross the line and you too can enjoy the game that is smack. Smack is truly a universal language. It is a go anywhere and fit right in type of language (except church by those in attendance but by gosh some of the preaching is really “Ancient Religious Smack” at it’s finest!). As long as you don't take it to the extremes Smack can provide a safe outlet for those pent up aggressions. I practice it at home, work, on the net, at the supermarket checkout stand but I prefer to run my smack on the web because I am far less likely to receive a black eye sitting behind my keyboard. Hey, running Smack is one thing, physical violence from the Smack repressed is a totally different story.

Your own unique personality combined with wit, knowledge and humor are the perfect ingredients for cooking up a batch of fine, home brew Smack. You do not need a Master’s or even a Bachelors’ degree and anyone can do it. If you are blessed with any of these traits you might have the gift of Smack and not even know it. Use your smack to get your point across, tell those little white lies, boast a bit, initiate conversation or trade talk on the fantasy baseball site by challenging others with your overwhelming personality and unique style. Take, for example, your standard Fantasy Baseball League message boards. Let’s just say you’re the moderator or someone that really hangs out on this particular board a lot and it has been dormant for most of the winter or even during the season with the exception of a few meaningless posts. Its your holy duty, your responsibility, indeed its your job to liven things up a bit, make up a story, brag about your team, get under someone's skin and go on ahead on with your bad self and take a shot at someone else’s team or board or a much beloved player. Minor insults are always encouraged as a starting point as you do not want to throw all your high cards down at once. You want to hold some back just a bit in case that Smackee comes back with some Smack of his own. As long you understand that its all in jest. Lay some Smack down and that league board will be jumping in no time, thanks to you.

Today’s most distributed form of mass entertainment is arguably the boob tube or Television and it’s chock full of smack. TV has been making us laugh throughout the years. The writers of sitcoms are excellent smack artists. They are the clever comedians of smack. Their subtle insults, quick wit, and "much ado about nothing" make their shows entertaining to say the least. "All in the Family" was a hugely popular show that ruled the airwaves for many years. Good old Archie could and would lay down vintage smack on any race, color or creed. Remember his nickname for his son-in-law “Meathead” or his quick jabs at the Poles or any other nationality within hearing range? Pretty shocking when it was first heard. It almost kept the show off the air. This form of verbal smack made light of our weaknesses all the while making the audience laugh hysterically. To be truthful, his smack taught us a lot about ourselves. Educational Smack. Yeah that’s the ticket! It is quite a gift to be able to make people laugh. Master this, and you too can become a black belt Smack artist of the first degree.

The true origins of Smack are unknown to many. Historians have spent their entire careers tracking its elusive beginnings. I, Mr. I.M. FullaBull himself, lay claim to having invented it and I most certainly preach it. Scientists claim that the earliest known Smack can be found inside the cavernous walls of the Pyramids in ancient Egypt. Yeah right, Hieroglyphic Smack. I'm sorry, but they are way off. (Hey, I wasn't even born yet!). “If you believe that’s Smack then I got a bridge I’d like to sell you. Cross breeding really did a number on what few functional brain cells you have left. You’d think you would need those just to breathe much less pretend to understand the origins of Smack. Go back and lube those squeaky axles on that home on wheels your so proud of and let a real man handle that job girlie boy.” Whoops, I whipped out a bit-o-Smack on you but you probably are starting to get the point.

In some form or another people are always Smack talking. The Presidential debates are a politically correct form of smack (at least most of the time), complete with mudslinging and all. Newborn infants in the maternity wards go at one another with incoherent smack (much like the stuff you can hear on the web). Athletes use Smack as a tool of intimidation. Muhammad Ali, a Grand Master of Smack, was great for spewing intimidation with every spoken word. Almost everything he was quoted as saying wound up as famous Smack like, "I am the greatest", "You can't hurt this beautiful face", “I will float like a butterfly, and sting like a bee". He practiced the fine art of smack throughout his legendary boxing career. I taught him well. The NFL is full of players running off at the mouth like so much diarrhea running out of a babies’ diaper. Shannon Sharpe comes to mind whenever referring to either Smack or baby diapers for that matter!

Sports Smack is probably the best known of all the different types of Smack. Baseball, Basketball, Hockey and all the major sports have their own practitioners of Smack. I can hardly wait to hear the “Figure Skating Smack” that is bound to come out of the latest Olympic fiasco. From Shannon Sharpe running off at the mouth about the next sucker team he’ll destroy to Chick Hearn’s “The refrigerator door is closed, the butter is getting hard and the Jello is shaking”, they can all lay it down. From cutting slams to gentle jibes, Smack is a tool that is being used by sports personalities on a daily, if not minute-by-minute basis.

A good example of how Smack can completely intertwine itself into a sport has to be "Professional Wrasslen". This is a multi-million dollar industry. Why? Many will try to tell you it's good entertainment or it's a great sport and these are great athletes. Right! I'll tell you why it is so popular today, it's because of Smack. Check the Neilson ratings, wrestling out draws many of the standard sporting event offered as TV fair these days. The reason is pure and simple, smack is the game. Wrestling has evolved from the days of black and white television where we got to witness two sweaty grapplers grunting and snarling for three falls. Today smack rules supreme all the way from the "in the ring smack down" sessions to entire show's based solely on smack. Matches today start with each wrestler getting the microphone so they can spew out their own personalized smack. Smack is now the show for better or worse and it sells! Advertisers love it. The wrestler interview or the ring, “Smack Fests”, are crucial components of the success of today's wrestling show. Take a moment and imagine wrestling without the interview. Professional wrestling most likely wouldn't last five minutes without Smack. It's not the athleticism that draws the crowds in, it's the Smack! “Can you smell what the Rock is Cookin’?” The interview or ring Smack downs gives the individual wrestler, manager or even their escorts an opportunity to build their wrestling persona, flaunt their 'Tude, demonstrate to all, their unique creativity, style, and flair. Speaking of flair, a fine example of smack making a career has to be one of Smacks Grand Masters, Rick Flair. Whoooooooooo! Using traits such as his staggering, swarthy ring strut, which is nothing more than visual smack, or that wolfish howl of his, he is able to whip the adoring multitudes into a Smack induced frenzy. Hulk Hogan for example is not exactly a highly talented wrestler using an assortment of high-risk maneuvers. He only used a handful of rather standard moves based on his strength and not any particular outstanding athletic ability in his matches. His popularity sprang from and continues to be driven by his ability to work the crowds using his words and stage performance. Whether his role during the wrestling show is one of "the good guy or bad guy", the theatrics he employs while dissing his opponents are classic forms of both visual and verbal Smack. Ripping off his shirt before each match and flexing those 19-inch pythons while he threatens to crush a skull or two. Now that's Smack! The interview or Smack down has been a part of the modern wrestling show since its inception. Smack is the show. Smack is wrestling. Smack is worth millions!

Today, both verbal and visual Smack permeates all forms of entertainment. Radio sports talk shows are rife with it. Jim Rome has built a career and an entire Smack sub culture to support it. Movies have their share of Smack as well. From the earliest visual form of Smack in the Keystone Cops and the Three Stooges to todays’ verbal abuse dished up in Pulp Fiction. The movie industry thrives on Smack. Rock and Roll has it’s own practitioners’ as AC/DC and George Thorogood are but two examples of musicians that use lyrics to belittle the husbands and fathers of all those pretty ladies at risk from them. All the way from TNT to Bad to the Bone!
So it seems like Smack is here to stay for while. Always remember, keep it fresh. Keep it original. Keep it clean. And lay down some Smack!

So Sayeth the Fish! So Spews Fullabull!